5 Gadgets Bitter Single People Should Get for Valentine’s Day

Now, as a self-proclaimed bitter single person, I’m pretty well convinced Valentine’s Day went down the tubes as soon as we stopped celebrating it the Roman way. And it’s not just because every time I turn my head on February 14, I see a couple and turn into President Snow:

Just teasing, promise

No, it’s mainly because there’s really nothing to do on Valentine’s Day for the single. Yes, you can go out to the bar, or to a club, or to that other bar, but most of the time that turns into exactly the opposite of fun (you know it does, don’t lie).

With this in mind, I have compiled a list of five gadgets that will let you have a fun Valentine’s Day in the comfort of your own home. First up, you should get:

5. A Brewbot:

Why: Because frankly if couples get candy and chocolate and jewelry and happiness, then we deserve a robot that brews us free beer. All day.
Developed by a group called Cargo as a Kickstarter project, Brewbot is capable of brewing beer for you at the touch of your iPhone, as long as you have the ingredients handy. It is truly a marvel of technology and human innovation. Using Brewbot, you won’t even have to venture out to a bar on V-Day: you can give up entirely and just keep tapping your iPhone for more and more beer in the comfort of your own home. Let’s not pretend candy hearts are better than that.

4. A Confectionary Cannon:

Why: Because candy is therapeutic, and also flinging candy at couples would quite literally be a delicious form of irony.

Ok, so you have your Brewbot all set up and working its heart out—what’s the next step? Did anybody say “getting a cannon capable of finding people’s faces and flinging something non-lethal and yet appropriately hilarious at them?” Because you’d be right.
The Confectionary Cannon was developed by students at Olin College in Needham, and is capable of seeking out the faces of targets before pelting them relentlessly with marshmallows. So instead of going outside, you could spend the day trying to catch marshmallows. Its self-loading and reloading capabilities make that easy while simultaneously giving you plausible deniability if you were, say, planning on setting it up at a window in an appropriately couple-heavy area. I mean, not that you would, because that would be wrong. Morally.

So hilarious. But wrong.

3.A Glyph Set: 

Why: Because we’re going to spend half the day distracting ourselves on Netflix anyway—might as well do it in a small personal movie theater.
Sadly, the Glyph set, which is pretty much a mobile movie theater just for you, is not yet available for purchase. However, its Kickstarter campaign has raised over $1 million dollars for its production, so you’ll soon be able to grab your Glyph set, cuddle up next to your Brewbot, and spend all day watching movies and not dealing with society and its judgments.

2. A Thumbs Up Touch Boom Box: 

Why: Because you have beer and a marshmallow cannon, so the obvious next step is coming up with an amazing soundtrack that doesn’t require a lot of effort.
Using the wireless Thumbs UP Touch Boom Box, you can turn on your music with just a tap of your smartphone. You barely have to move: Just reach up an arm and tap the speaker with your phone, and it will start playing whatever you like. Cue theme music.

And lastly, try to grab yourself:

1. An Ototo Circuit Board:

Why: Because it lets you turn an eggplant into a musical instrument and that sounds way more fun than a loving relationship.
Bored with the Confectionary Cannon? Well, you could go outside and brave the happy couple sea, or you could turn that eggplant in your fridge into a musical instrument. Designer Yuro Suzuki’s Ototo circuit board is a customizable synthesizer, that can be attached to nearly any conductive material to make music. You can literally plug the Ototo into an eggplant, an apple, a coat rack, a lamp, touch it, and make music.
Who needs dating when you can turn your eggplant into a guitar, amiright?

Well, that’s all I’ve got. I tried. Even if these gadgets won’t actually make your Valentine’s Day any better, will at the very least make all of the couples you know wildly jealous of all the cool things you have. That’s something, at least.